For some, my story will seem trivial, for some, fantastic, and some may not understand. But I wanted to give space to what my life is. I will not go into too much detail and I will start my story from the time I became independent, when I entered college and left my parents.
After the student’s ordeal, starvation, working part-time at a closet restaurant known in Moscow, I returned home. I got married quickly, became a mother of two girls, and made a living as a farmer.
At some point, I started to realize that my life would just keep going from house to barn. My free spirit, which had manifested itself, was still at a standstill, and just as I had left my parents, I took my children and left my husband.
My business career began at the time of perestroika. My mother looked after the children, while I worked and made sure that no one needed anything in the house. I was able to afford holidays abroad and the best hotels. I was living it up.
I didn’t have to worry about financial stability, because I made good money, I didn’t worry about cleaning my house and caring for my kids. Because my mom took that responsibility and I was throwing the great parties for kids.
Children were growing up. The youngest was studying abroad, the eldest graduated from a prestigious Russian university, I got married again, and my business flourished.
My life looked brilliant but I was desperate. I was dissatisfied with my life. I felt like there’s a black hole inside me that is required to be fulfilled with something more. And there was a moment when everything broke down.
My marriage collapsed, my business collapsed. My eldest daughter was living an independent life by that time, my youngest still had to finish her studies, and I had no opportunity to buy myself even bread.
I looked at my ruined life, sitting in the country house and did not understand how this could happen to me. I remember that time as I do now. It is not possible to erase it from my memory, it became possible to accept and live with it only after some time….
I cried a lot. Unimaginable pain, tearing you to shreds. You have no one to support you, you have no one to just hold you and say: “we’ll get through this”…
It was the time of my own personal hell. It was so painful. I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t have much to buy food with. In the brief hours when I fell asleep, exhausted from pain and tears, I was distracted from what was happening. But upon awakening, it was the same. Day and night my flesh and my mind were slowly being destroyed by this pain. I no longer had the strength to look at myself, at what had happened, and at one point I no longer wanted to live. The only thing that kept me going were the children. It was as if they had a responsibility to show me love. I didn’t want to see and accept myself so lost and worthless. Then I had the surgery. After a few days in a coma, life was stronger and brought me back to reality.
Coming out of the hospital and seeing my girls, I have a new set of challenges. My children decided to release me from their presence in my life. They each told me about their pain, about the times when I was busy with business and not involved in their lives, not interested and never around when they were sick.
Their words hit my heart like a red-hot iron. I sat listening, and the children kept talking and talking, and at some point it was as if my consciousness and my psyche could not bear what I heard anymore and I fell. It was like everything stopped – time, breathing and my life. I no longer saw the point of living, of being. I had lost my last hope and what I clung to, staying alive. I am the one who valued nothing in this life but my children, lost them overnight.
Knowing my children, I realized that they could never forgive me for anything and I would never see them again… The pain became my companion forever, which was impossible to get rid of.
I don’t know how long this hell would have lasted if it hadn’t been for an accident that took me to Egypt, where I met people from the GSR community who recommended that I try to do my first session.
Upon my return from Egypt, I buy 1 GSR module and start working with my states.
I worked with my pain on my children. I did sessions every day so that somehow I could exist, breathe, start doing something.
Step by step I slowly came to my senses. I felt like there was so much pain in me that it would not be possible to heal it in my lifetime alone. It seemed to me that I would never see my grandchildren again, or even know that I had them.
I took a risk and entrusted my life to the GSR method.
I had nothing more to lose. My life was no longer valuable to me, my children were lost. Everything was shattered to the core. It took me almost two years of working with my states and my birth legacy programs for my youngest daughter to come to me to talk. We sat hugged on the couch and both cried. We had missed each other a lot during those unbearably long two years.
And some time later my eldest daughter allowed me to come and see my granddaughter, at that time she was a year and a half old. Taking her in my arms for the first time I felt that my heart was beating and it was alive and a strong flow of love reached out to her. I held her in my arms and it was happiness, happiness given to me by GSR Module 1.
GSR Module 1 transformed me from a cold, lifeless woman, healing my pain into one who was just happy to touch my granddaughter’s calf. Each session changed me, transforming pain into acceptance, hopelessness into faith, loneliness into contentment…my attitude toward people, toward myself, changed.
The 1 GSR Molul GSR brought back my joy and showed me that anything is possible. With the help of 1 GSR Module I brought my children, grandchildren back into my life, I got my dream job and was able to earn my first million. What I thought would never happen 2.5 years ago has happened.
I am unlikely to forget what I lived. My life – it is what it is already, taking into account what happened. But I have my way – it is to go on, to live, to create, to love. I am learning every day, in every GSR session to love my life, to appreciate it. It is different, but the main thing is that I have it.
©Translated for GSR World by Tatiana Kosareva.
