“As soon as we stop laughing we shall go for a walk,” my three-year-old daughter told me. I laughed back and started to get ready for the “adventure”. That’s what we called each of our walks that summer.
My husband and I were very excited about our first child. I had a near-perfect textbook birth with no stimulation or anesthesia in a private room with a bathtub that I never used. The husband took his daughter in his arms and immediately fell in love with her. And I… I died inside at the very moment when the umbilical cord was cut. The ocean of causeless pain somewhere in the depths of the soul filled everything around. I left the hospital with postpartum depression. Sleepless nights, health problems and breastfeeding only exacerbated the problem. I seriously believed that if I was gone, everyone would be better off. Every day I responsibly did everything that is supposed to be a modern mother. But inside she wanted only one thing – to live another day and fall into oblivion. I didn’t have the strength to do simple things. All my interests died that day in the hospital.
The worst thing was that my reality was very prosperous. My husband loved me and took great care of me and my daughter. The nanny came later. As for health, I more or less figured it out. I did not have to think about problems with money and housing. My relatives were not making my brain with their advice. Against the backdrop of this beautiful picture, my suffering seemed even more ridiculous. I was ashamed of my condition and inability to love a child, although I really wanted it.
As soon as I was able to leave the house alone, my attempts to put my brains in place began. I think I can write “War and Peace” about the helping practices that I tried during my 2.5 years of torment. The best solution I found at that time was humility: I cannot love and therefore I will simply live my life, not forgetting about parental responsibilities. I went on vacation alone, constantly went to some courses, practices and training. I was afraid to be alone with my daughter. I hated walking with her. I counted every minute until the arrival of my husband or nanny. I couldn’t help it.
I drank my first dose of antidepressants after a humiliating conversation with another psychotherapist and came across a post about GSR sessions in the feed. I decided to try something else, what difference does it make: even chewing a fern under the moon. And I came to my first session. I knew nothing about the method and did not hope for anything. The next day I woke up earlier than usual, feeling a strong surge of strength, which I have not had for more than two years. Life no longer seems so hopeless and depressing. Then I learned that you can change your states and extract resources for yourself – having mastered the technique of 1 GSR module.
Every evening, while my husband bathed my daughter, I did sessions for myself. Two months later, the nanny went on vacation and I spent two weeks alone with the child. And I did it. I even almost liked it. I began to give the nanny days off more often to be with my daughter. A year later, the nanny quit, and I spent 5 months around the clock with the child – I love this period. I first appeared as a mother. I could really enjoy our walks and what we have between us. In parallel, I still had time to train, work and found a new social circle.
My daughter is 7 years old. This is the kindest and most cheerful creature in the world (sorry, I’m not objective). She may have always been like this, but I couldn’t see it through my constant weariness from fighting my own helplessness. Now I constantly travel with her, support her interests, we have many common themes and “secrets”. She thinks I’m the best mom in the world (she’s not objective either). I try to live up to this high rank and continue to work with myself every day with the help of 1 module. I am a real mother, not a formal one. And my depression retired into the sunset irrevocably.
P.S. In the five years that have passed since my first GSR session, I have increased my income 10 times, I have the best job in the world, my relationship with my husband is better than on a honeymoon, I stopped panicking and hysteria, I have a new car and apartment overlooking the river, I spend half a year traveling, I live to the fullest, and do not live like a dull creature without desires and goals – this is only part of the change. I feel like I’m living a completely different version of my life that was completely impossible for me. GSR can do that too. But nothing will overshadow for me the ability to love the daughter that I created with the help of 1st GSR Module.
