For a long time I could not start writing this post. I lived, thought, felt … I was looking for something central and most significant. I didn’t want to repeat myself. I have written many times about the dramatic and priceless changes in my life that have happened with GSR. I wanted to catch something else, something more important than everything that I understood about myself and my changes before.
Today I get it.
GSR gave me a strong and vibrant consciousness.
Since childhood, I was quite conscious, I looked at adults and was surprised at their life, some of their deep misunderstandings, narrowness of their perception. Everything inside me fell when I listened to my grandmother, parents and other adults telling the same stories, the same jokes year after year. I saw that their consciousness was dead, it had stopped and ossified a long time ago, nothing new, fresh appeared in it.
I remember well the first time I saw a philosophy teacher at school. He was different, with incredible erudition and breadth of knowledge. His thinking was amazing, flexible, lively, he took into account all factors, looked very voluminously, from unexpected sides, easily gave birth to ideas and built new non-obvious connections, constantly expanding the area of his perception. I understood little of what he was saying and felt like a “mental” invalid. Definitely, I didn’t know how to think like that and didn’t imagine how it was possible to approach such a thing even a little bit … There was an abyss between us, so I just admired and listened with my mouth open.
Nevertheless, later, as a teenager, I easily explained to my friends some causal relationships between their feelings and reactions, analyzed their problems … I was very loved for my ability to see deeper and everyone constantly complained to me about their life.
Even later, at the age of seventeen, I left my hometown and found myself completely alone in Novosibirsk, not understanding how and where to live… At nights I lay on the bed in a small rented room, quietly listened to Russian rock on “our radio” and cried noiselessly, not wanting to wake up an old woman, the owner of the apartment, who slept behind the wall.
I was absolutely depressed from the array of feelings that arose in me because of the new place of life, with the new status of a university student, which I entered simply because I had to go somewhere, with a painful separation with my school friends… I thought I was immersed in my feelings and could not do anything to somehow cope with what was happening to me.
A year later, the first psychoanalyst in my life described my inner history to me with pinpoint accuracy. I was amazed: it is, yes !!! This is what is happening in me! I asked: what should I do with this? She said: be aware… This answer killed me. I saw how the more experienced members of the group were infinitely aware of their feelings and it did not change anything in their life, because they could not go beyond the boundaries of being aware.
The same thing happened with many masters with whom I studied over the next years: it always seemed to me as an ambition, but still I saw how, helping others to change something in themselves, they themselves could not change something in themselves very deeply, could not go beyond their limits and eventually stopped in their development altogether.
A little later, I met Dmitry Ustinov, who at that time was still far from creating the GSR system. The depth of his gaze, some kind of inner non-standard and unusualness attracted me incredibly. I wanted to tell him everything in order to hear what he had to say. It was clear to me what others would say – everyone always said approximately the same thing, and it was incredibly boring and trite. His comments, feedback each time caused a delight in me: how can you see that? How can you look from that side? Each time he told something new, designated new perspectives of perception, each time expanding beyond the horizons of the known. I absorbed like a sponge, although, like with the history teacher, I understood little. I just admired and listened with my mouth open…
Now, almost 20 years later, I understand that a consciousness began to ripen in me with properties that I could only admire before and from which I was immeasurably far away.
Consciousness capable of realizing and changing itself.
Consciousness capable of transcending the boundaries of itself over and over again.
Consciousness, on which you can rely, because it can read the field and see clearly, make adequate decisions.
Consciousness attuned to life, its dynamics and expansion.
A consciousness … that may never die.
Without the GSR, I had no chance of touching that inside of me! My consciousness would close down every year and one day it would stop altogether. I would tell children all the same stories and jokes, but they would be incredibly bored with me …
