I. Choice
I was dying… I could feel death standing at my bedside. It became impossible to go on living after the call from the hospital informing me of the death of my husband…my soulmate, my heart…my whole universe.
My mind thought about our daughter, I understood everything by my mind. However, a rational mind is powerless when it comes to feelings. Pain, despair, fear, and helplessness took away my energy of life.
A gravestone on my chest was all I felt. I had to live though. I had to crawl to his parents’ house in the morning and be the messenger who will be executed. I had to organize a farewell and a decent funeral ceremony. I had to lead our child further on. I had to give our daughter love and care. I had to!
I had to somehow get up from the bed… and had to try at least to sleep!
This period of my life showed me that no matter how exhausted and crushed I am, I will always make a choice. Even if it’s a faint mooing or a finger wiggle. Even in those moments, we always choose to do it or not.
I had to choose:
- to remain immovable, staring at one point until they put me in the hospital and there I will stay for a long time with no consciousness
- go straight out the window.
- get drunk and keep drinking until your liver and sanity fail, the main thing is not to get back to consciousness for as long as possible.
- just to die right now. It felt like I could do it at a snap of a finger.
These options seemed to be the only choices I could wish and had strength for…
…and one more – to ask for help.
I made my choice. Like Munchausen pulled himself out of a swamp by his hair, I typed a message asking for help in the chat with my unruly fingers.
Apparently, there was a thin thread of life energy living in me. Through the incredible pain, it was striving for life, despite everything, like a flower sprout breaking through the concrete.
Response came immediately…
II. Module 1 – GSR
There is such a method of working with the human subconscious – GSR Module 1 (Deep System of Self-Development). I have been practicing it for five and a half years. This method gives incredible results in transforming consciousness, removing any discomfort, painful feelings, psychological blocks, fear, body cramping, anxiety. The reason I made a move to learn this method was to get rid of pain.
Pain from fear of my own husband, pain from the feeling that my daughter is a stranger to me, pain from envy, from the feeling of my own inferiority, pain from resentment, from … the very gravity of life, the feeling of its aimlessness or, on the contrary, from the feeling that my dreams and goals will never come true.
For five years of practicing Module 1, “fixing” my fears, psychological barriers, depressions and even some psychosomatic bodily conditions, I have reached almost perfect relations with my husband from the point: “your wish is my command”, to the point “we are partners”, to the creation of a common project with my husband, improving the quality of life, and my own professional growth.
On April 4, 2023, at night, the pain seemed incompatible with life, and I was unable to do a session for myself – I asked a GSR system specialist to do it for me. After a session, I fell asleep, feeling that the gravestone on my chest disappeared, and that life, though a thin trickle of it, was steadily beginning to gain strength inside. I fell asleep soundly.
It was very difficult and hard. I asked for GSR specialists’ help several times because I was afraid of the unbearable pain of seeing my husband’s body at the funeral, afraid of the fatal moment when his body would be lowered into the grave, afraid to return to an empty house, to look at his portrait, at his things… I was afraid of the relentless attack of my memory of our love and the guilt I felt for what I could have saved if I had known! …. could be.
After several GSR sessions for these states, mostly the feeling of guilt, I had the strength to organize a decent farewell and funeral ceremony for my husband. I stayed sane and grounded even in my most difficult moments. Two days after the funeral, I was able to be alone in my house, seeing off my mom and son who had been staying with me for a few days. Left alone with my daughter, I was already emotionally stable, and since that moment I felt the strength to do GSR Module 1 sessions myself.
For the first month after my husband died, I did GSR sessions for myself for many different states of pain, depression, aimlessness, apathy. I felt empowered to take care of insurance issues, inheritance, start contacting coworkers, and continue working on a project my husband started. The bottle of wine left over from the funeral is still unopened.
From the diary in my telegram channel “GSR_impossible MW relations” 1 month after the loss:
May 06, 2023 “Today is the first morning I woke up and felt no pain. It’s evening now, it usually creeps up slowly at this time…. But no, no pain, feeling resourceful and calm.”
III. Daughter
I’m alone with my 10-year-old daughter. Masha has developmental delays, epilepsy, aggression, and difficult peer relationships. She is often the subject of mockery, beatings, and bullying.
Immediately after the funeral, I met my daughter’s unwillingness to come to an agreement. Her pain of loss she expressed through aggression at my tears. She seemed to be unable for compassion and didn’t want to cope with me regarding domestic chores. Her anger was directed at me, our family members, and kids on the playground. She couldn’t concentrate and pay attention to external processes where focus and self-organization are required. During lessons in at-home-schooling processes, she could not gather her thoughts, her ability to memorize deteriorated dramatically.
Again, GSR Module 1 rescued me. It has been well said that children’s problems are rooted in their parents. It is true and I can prove it with my own experience. Several sessions I did to myself, and Masha became more amenable. We began to agree to work together, to study. I became more aware and sensitive to what was going on with her, more aware of her needs.
This morning, after finishing last night another GSR session on feeling “I’m no mother at all”, Masha packed her backpack to go to our summer house!!! To my surprise, she replied, “Everything has just lined up in my head, and I packed my stuff”.
Seems so simple. However, until this morning, she had not been able to deal with such concepts, and this situation was a real miracle for me! It’s obvious to me that my daughter has begun to engage into this reality with more interest.
A change has occurred in me as well. There’s a feeling inside that she shouldn’t be forced to do anything at all. As a response, the child showed independence and planning skills for the first time for her almost 11 years of life.
When working with your consciousness with GSR Module 1, one may not only “fix” him/herself from uncomfortable states but as well can open internal resources which he or she didn’t even know about. Today, almost three months after the death of my loved one, I can say that I am alive, resourceful, and enjoying life again. Although an acquaintance of mine, a clinical psychologist, predicted at least 1 year of recovery for me.
IV. Results
So, I didn’t die, I didn’t end up in the hospital, I didn’t get sick, I didn’t miss my daughter, and in a fairly short period of time I was able to:
- Arranged the hospitalization and rehabilitation of the husband’s parents after the funeral.
- Brought to order mortgage insurance payout by gathering all the necessary paperwork.
- I formalized the beginning of the inheritance process for my husband’s apartment and savings. -Arranged hospitalization for the child, which resulted in successful surgery for my daughter.
- I sorted out my husband’s things, keeping the most precious for myself.
- Reorganized the space of things in the apartment.
- Examined my own health by taking the necessary tests and performing ultrasound diagnostics of problem areas.
- Started going to the gym regularly.
- I had my daughter diagnosed with autism (thank God it wasn’t confirmed).
- I booked a place on a course at the Moscow Academy of Fascioplasty and Osteopathy, intending to learn a new profession.
Other than that, I have enough energy to cook a variety of fresh and delicious food daily. Enough energy and mood: for walks, for activities with my daughter, for moving toward goals.
My daughter’s relationship with kids on the playground has improved. Today they invited her for a walk. When she came back, she said that for the first time she felt comfortable and accepted on the playground.
And most importantly: I sleep well… waking up every morning in a good mood, without heaviness and pain in my soul. And inside I feel a lot of resources to smile at my daughter and fill her need for love, care, understanding, affection, communication.
Epilogue
Yes, I talk to my husband Alexei almost every day as his memory lives on and our love is beyond this life. But this memory is bright and does not bring pain. I share my joy and warmth with him every day, I don’t get discouraged or depressed. Moving on with my life, being a full-time caring mom to my daughter, planning a happy future for us. I want to express my gratitude to the GSR system for the precious tool which allows us to work with mental states. This tool is not expensive, it is available for everyone. Thanks to all GSR specialists, who helped me to get back from the hell alive and resourceful, and to reactivate myself.
