The other day I saw an ad which said something like this: if you are a life coach, set high prices for your services. It will weed out people who are unable of making good money — which shows their ineffectiveness in general. Such clients cannot take on responsibility, take the necessary steps; they would depreciate your work.
And it is true. Moreover, sometimes even if a person does have money it does not mean that they will be able to get off the ground.
So the poor and wretched get thrown overboard. And not only by pitiless coaching but also by any other system of personal/spiritual/bodily and psychological growth which would definitely ask one to put in one’s resource, to do steps one, two and three.
And, nice to meet you, that’s me.
I was born in a good soviet family. My father was a boss for hundreds of people, my mother — a beauty, one of the grandfathers — a boss, the other — chief accountant at large enterprises. I was always loved by everyone, and I adored my family. I know about toughness of the wild nineties only by stories. Import down jackets, a shiny Chinese bike, Dendy console; what else does a child need to be happy… Of course, art: piano, choir, drawing, literature, lyceum schooling. No one ever pressured me or made me do anything, I had no worries about studying and lived on easy street.
Then there was university, job in my field, professional growth, change of the profession in favor of a creative track, postgraduate study in my first major, teaching at the university, starting my own business, marriage, closing the business, creative work.
And somehow all of it was fun, like I could achieve anything and grow in any area, but in fact I was “neither fish nor fowl”, a person who could do only step one. I never had the ability to do “two” and “three”.
In fact, I was going through just one process: am I fish or am I fowl? If I am capable of everything, why can I do nothing? Where do I find Don Juan, how do I get on the warrior’s way? The idea of figuring myself out by practicing awareness was haunting me. I was interested in anything that could tell me something about myself, help me find a method to become able to do “one”, “two” and “three”.
My main trouble turned out to be “I like everything”. And there was nothing I could succeed in. I never had any plans for life, for 10 years, for a year, for a month. Because I knew that I could not rely on myself. My life was slipping away, the dynamic of all the processes was decreasing, but all in all I was OK, I even enjoyed it. There was nothing going on that would motivate me to get it together and make a personal breakthrough. And chances to find a practice responding to my ill-defined, basically missing request were fading away.
After having tried multiple esoteric doctrines I decided to settle upon bodily practices, having depreciated everything that works with “humanistic” problems which all allegedly originate from our childhood. So every time I heard about GSR (GSR is a deep system of self-development) from psychologists, it fell on deaf ears. But when I saw an invitation for a session from a girl who did fire dancing and whom I occasionally met at wild performances, I got interested.
At my first session with her I phrased my request as something like “lately my gazillion projects all collapse, and what I want is development”. In a month and a half I found out that I was going to be a mother. I can’t say for sure that these two events were connected but motherhood was an area which I had never actually looked into although my husband and I had been together for 5 years, and it was unclear whether I could have children at all.
This event made me start connecting with reality because a baby is very real, and it’s better for it if its parents are more adequate. I realized that I want to work through all the areas of my life with GSR and bought GSR Module 1 for self-practice.
To tell the truth, despite all the easiness of my personal story it was really difficult for me to go forward with Module 1. The scheme itself was not a problem, I grasped it quickly enough. The thing was that I faced all the chaos inside me. I saw that I was very superficial and that the reason of my internal barriers was unwillingness to ruin my own fantasies about myself. I completely understand people who cannot engage in GSR even having heard a lot about it. Module 1 requires remarkable honesty with oneself and it does not stand self-deceit. The technique is so impeccable that you just follow it and stop seeming and start really being. Sorry for the big words. Every time I was doing GSR-session I wanted to get a specific result but every time the session unwound in a way which I could not even imagine. It was really broadening my horizons.
My gazillion projects started falling off, but it was not emptiness that replaced the interest: a new backbone was growing there.
I was doing dozens of disconnected sessions as I did not know which thread to pull, but gradually the picture was getting clearer.
I started to fit into reality through my daughter. Instead of a dreamer and a fantasist I was becoming a more realistic and concrete person. We had our second daughter. I didn’t have baby blues even for a day, and the childbirth went perfect, I just used GSR Module 1 doing sessions on important processes in advance.
My whole life the most important thing for me was to sleep a lot and to move as little as possible. I had difficulty waking up early for school, for uni, I couldn’t be in employment because I couldn’t get up in the morning. Now I am forty and I easily do lots of household chores and work at the same time, I spend a lot of time with my children, regain strength quickly and have little sleep.
For 4 years and a half I do GSR-sessions almost every day, and the mere fact is unbelievable. I only had breaks for a couple of weeks after each childbirth.
My downfalls started to vanish. Before I could just stop talking in the middle of a sentence without any logic. My brain-computer was not just freezeing up, it was turning off altogether. I used to come to an end mid-sentence, and now I can keep going further and further in anything.
I became really well-balanced, I am not anxiety, I am not chaos anymore.
I can work with myself without an external specialist which allows me to work through any area I want, from the most tabooed to the most trivial.
I don’t know how to express the scale of absence of self with which I lived my whole life. I could buy into anything: from an idea to create an infopreneurship and live in Dubai suites to working at a third-rate supermarket which holds out promises of a friendly team and a decent salary. I bought different trainings and courses to go for a new dream, figured it all out, but for unclear reasons I just could not do “one-two-three”.
My immeasurable love for different people and their activities started transforming from “I want the same, I can do it too” into independence. For the first time I started asking myself: “for what do I need this?”, “why am I doing this?”. I even started to comprehend what my own way is!
I am becoming more normal, more adequate, and transcendence of my experience is getting only deeper. I was looking for someone who’d tell me who I am, but found a method which allows me get to know myself without anyone else. And I am not inventing myself, I just learned to perceive myself. Now I have plans for a week, a month, a year, for my whole life, and I am not frustrated by the time flowing or by my age.
Maybe you have already heard of GSR as a method which allows to solve any problem and reach any goal. Maybe this phrase is why you think it’s not for you. But my story is one of a person who had never had neither problems nor goals, and who not only was not filtered out by the system as an unreliable, good-for-nothing person, but was also led through the inner world darkness and is still being led to internal strength, because GSR works for any purposes, for everyone, even for those who are always out of place, those who are “neither fish nor fowl”.
I am immensely grateful to Dmitrii Ustinov, the creator of GSR Module 1 method.
©Translated for GSR World by Alexandra Guseva
